Now you know

The Jeffed Up Story Of My Life

It was difficult growing up in a family with no girls. I have 2 brothers, a million boy cousins when i was young, neighbor had friggin 4 sons, i couldn't get along with girls. I have more than enough fingers to count how many girl friends i actually have now. The point is, i'm closer to boys because they are easier, they're fun to be with, they're spontaneous, they're simple.

I was wild and crazy back then like a normal 20 year old. If you're older now, you were also crazy back then. And if you're 20 now, you'd be stupid not to have fun and live your life. I had all the fun a little bit too early. Started drinking, clubbing, party, hangover, bla bla bla name it, I've done it all since the age of 13.

I had all the fun i wanted until i met someone that i really loved. Still crazy, party, drunkard nights almost every damn night. But he controlled my life. Yes i was and i am really really and i mean really stubborn. If i want something, i want that something. I believe that the only two people in the world that brought me up and took care of me since i was born into this world are the ONLY two people in the world that could tell me what to do (Yes i still believe in this)

The amount of fights and explanation i had to do just to hang out with my best friend at that time who was a guy, i just got so sick of it and done with the whole relationship because i was tired of that "talk"

"I get angry and paranoid because i care and i love you"
I think you get angry because you're insecure, that's not my fault

"I can't take you going out with guys because i don't trust THEM"
I think you just don't trust me so don't tell me you love me

"I don't want to loose you"
I think then don't push me away

"I can't take this"
Then why hurt yourself? Let me go.. You don't love me anyway

I had to go through THAT VERY SAME "TALK" with all my relationships after that because my close friends were boys. At the end i resorted to one thing.

Weed

It made me so chill, so calm and not a worry in the world. The whole of 2010 i could safely say i was stoned through out the whole year. Just to make me forget about all this things that made me fed up with life, love, problems, stress, work, anything. I loved it because i could do anything i wanted to then. I gave up on love i gave up on anything stressful. I basically took a year break from life

I gave up all this when i met him. He's my rehab. I gave up my "peaceful state of mind" for him because i wanted to be there, to actually be there with him and live this life with him. I realized that he would be understanding because he's done all this before. He has been through everything a long time back, EVERYTHING in this world. The good, the bad, the whole having a family, everything he's done it. I thought it would be different this time.

Some how, now, I'm craving to go back to 2010. When i wasn't really living in this world. When i was somewhere else living the life and having nothing to worry about. I want him so bad but this thing in me is just pushes me away sometimes. I don't want to go wild and crazy, all i want is just to let go every once in a while

*to be continued...*